For a while I have been struggling to write on my blog, talk to God with the same passion I had or wake early to sit in my chair and just think. Part of me has struggled to be honest on my blog, to open up. The main reason, fear of others!
About 1 month ago I was shaving and found a lump just under my jaw bone on the upper part of the neck. It took me a couple of weeks to get the doctor to see me, a further couple to get blood test and now a further couple before I get the results from the GP. My initial reaction to finding the lump was “Oh God, give me a break”! Since Mike’s death, I have to admit I get a little over dramatic with myself about my health…..I think the worst. Part of that is that I have several friends who are either in the process of dealing with Cancer or who have died because of it. I have been constantly tired and have had to come home from work and sleep. Poor old Kath and Akila wondering what is wrong with Dad. I wondered whether the dark nights and gloomy weather was a part of it. Feeling both angry and sorry for myself!
At first I thought I was angry with God, but I knew in my heart I wasnt. How could I be? He doesnt owe me a thing, quite the opposite. But I just did not want to talk to Him, similar to the way my kids some times talk to me, in syllables!
When Mike died, I too could not really talk to God, it was more a crying out to Him, but what I found was the worshipping by listening to music was very helpful. I let others express what I could not and I would in my heart respond. I found that by putting myself in the position or place of worship, irrespective of where my spirit was, that there was a divine exchange and before long I had a peace and joy that defied the reality of where I am at physically and emotionally.
Psalm 100 is a great expression and David and Eugene Peterson say it well!
On your feet now—applaud God!
Bring a gift of laughter,
sing yourselves into his presence.
3 Know this: God is God, and God, God.
He made us; we didn’t make him.
We’re his people, his well-tended sheep.
4 Enter with the password: “Thank you!”
Make yourselves at home, talking praise.
Thank him. Worship him.
5 For God is sheer beauty,
all-generous in love,
loyal always and ever.