Dejavu…..hello emotions of loss

Farewell Laura!

For weeks I have been preparing practically for Laura to head off to South Africa, knowing she has a 1 month trip to the USA first. She is back for two weeks and then heads to Holland before back for 2 days and off to S.A for 7 months. I hadn’t prepared emotionally and how does one do that anyway.

Yesterday morning we took her to the airport. My little girl heading off for the first time on a flight by herself. I have every confidence she will be fine. But I recognized emotions churning up below the surface. As we walked back in the house and I saw a big bouquet of flowers which friends who stayed with us last weekend gave, it felt like the aftermath of Mike’s death.

  • The house is empty but Akila & Kathy are here. The loss of one overshadows the presence of two.
  •  Laura left not just her room a mess, but her belongings in the far corners of the house. Mike left without cleaning! Here I go again tidying with a sense of loss in my heart, looking at belongings with little antidote stories behind their history.
  • Laura is still alive but just not physically present.  That’s head logic not heart passion!
  • It’s bizarre because it’s the middle of summer and its grey and raining outside, exactly the same as 3 years ago. The weather is depressing and grey, in line with my emotions.
  • The house is dark, windows closed, a bit of a mess….I should clean but …….Kathy feels the same so I will let her do it, her section!
  • I cooked a nice Indian dinner last night for Kathy, Akila and I. I thought about taking us all out just to walk away from the house and try and change the mood.
  • Kathy and I went shopping for food and realised all the things we do not need to pick up for Laura. We spoilt Akila! It was amazing after Mike died to see what food did not disappear, we realised that it was he, not Laura who would lick a little squirrel munch away on crisps and biscuits.
  • I am so happy for Laura, what a wonderful life she has. I want her to travel and grab life in both hands. I was so happy for Mike to be in the presence of God, to not have to deal any longer with lives’ struggles.  So it’s the creative tension of holding two opposing emotions simultaneously, happy and sad in the one breath.
  • Akila and Kathy are still in the house, I want to take every opportunity to create great memories together. I don’t want to focus so much on what I have lost and miss what I have.
  • It can all be over in an instant, it can also all be over gradually.
  • Physical presence has a much stronger effect on emotion than I give credit for.
  • Mike was taken and I had to release. Laura has left and I have to release.
  • There was finality to Mike’s departure, Laura’s is temporal. In fact I just had a video Skype call with her friend who told me she arrived safely, her travel went fantastic and she is asleep as she is so tired.
  • Why am I so complex!
  • I pass McDonald’s, I don’t have to drive Laura there any more at inconvenient times….oh how I miss the inconvenience!
  • Endings. Over the next months it will unfold all the endings.
  • Laura’s cat is already meowing around the house this morning looking for Laura. How will she cope!
  • There is no pain, no questions, no mystery, no paralysis, no tears (well not many!) but there is separation, but it’s not emotional or relational just physical.
  • It’s all about you Jesus, I come back to that eternal and constant relationship. He is ever present, always with me. How good is that!

One Response to Dejavu…..hello emotions of loss

  1. paul Hoerle says:

    Mike – I appreciate the rawness of your writing. It’s honest. Thank you.

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