Suddenly you are there.
There are days I seek your face but other days you are suddenly there. I’m not ready for those moments and I am not sure if the jolt of emotion like an electric shock is welcome pain or to be avoided.
A word, song, fixing a bike rack, a ball, biscuit, a place, a boy walking down a road, a thought, a chore around the house, a software package, a school task with Laura……
That kaleidoscope of multi colored thought that invaded my mind 24/7 has passed. Now there are days of blank vision, of stark silence and then from no where, that jolt of memory from hidden places in the attic of my mind. As I ponder with the lenses of my thoughts, I find frustration that the memory has allowed dust to gather. I long for the clarity of detail of high definition.
In those moments I want to shout pause, stop everything, and push the zoom in button and focus on that one thought. The noise, speed and continuation of the present want to be centre stage, the jolt of emotion releases chemicals to bring darkness. I battle to contain the effect of the adrenaline as I start to feel butterfly’s in my stomach. Hurray up, process quickly, wipe away the dust, focus, shut out the world and concentrate for that millionth of a second to bring to the surface a picture or film clip taken over an 18 ½ year time span from January 19th 1991 – August 1st 2009.
And then like that horrendous Saturday morning, you are gone.