Suddenly you are there.

Suddenly you are there.

 There are days I seek your face but other days you are suddenly there. I’m not ready for those moments and I am not sure if the jolt of emotion like an electric shock is welcome pain or to be avoided.

A word, song, fixing a bike rack, a ball, biscuit, a place, a boy walking down a road, a thought, a chore around the house, a software package, a school task with Laura……

That kaleidoscope of multi colored thought that invaded my mind 24/7 has passed. Now there are days of blank vision, of stark silence and then from no where, that jolt of memory from hidden places in the attic of my mind. As I ponder with the lenses of my thoughts, I find frustration that the memory has allowed dust to gather. I long for the clarity of detail of high definition.

In those moments I want to shout pause, stop everything, and push the zoom in button and focus on that one thought. The noise, speed and continuation of the present want to be centre stage, the jolt of emotion releases chemicals to bring darkness. I battle to contain the effect of the adrenaline as I start to feel butterfly’s in my stomach. Hurray up, process quickly, wipe away the dust, focus, shut out the world and concentrate for that millionth of a second to bring to the surface a picture or film clip taken over an 18 ½ year time span from January 19th 1991 – August 1st 2009.

And then like that horrendous Saturday morning, you are gone.

Cherished Memories.

One Response to Suddenly you are there.

  1. Rachel Marsh says:

    i can totally understand your thoughts here Mark. I was incredibly close to my grandparents who lived in Devon and spent much of my time as a teenager living with them during holidays from school.My granny died in August 2006 and my grandpa in jan. 2008 i have many of their things here with me now that give me memories of them that are both happy and sad. Happy that it links me to them….sad that these “things ” are just that now and bring the stark reality that they are no longer in my physical realm. I stood in town with Paul this week waiting to cross the road the sun was shining and was warm on my back, then a seagull cried out up above me and i said to Paul…”if i close my eyes for a few seconds i could be in Devon”, the sounds of the seagulls and the warm Devon sun on me, and i can be there with them again. That is both happy and then so terribly sad with that “in the pit of your stomach sadness.” Or on Thursday night i was feeling cold so got one of Grannys warm blankets and huddled myself into it. It smelled foisty and musty, yet that was the smell that took me back to my Grandparents house and i could wrap myself in their love. The things you write in your blog touch us so much, yet in both similar and yet such different ways you often speak the things i am feeling or thinking inside. Sometimes it feels like these memories are so far away and even almost like my grandparents were never here at all….did i really know them???Was it all a dream?????The smells the sounds, the sights of them greeting us at the door after a seven hour journey to get there, these memories fade….but what never fades is the love that we once shared, the special times we had together, the bond that we had that will never be taken away, and one glorious day i am sure that i will be reunited with them once more. On that day when all tears will be wiped away, when there will no more mourning or pain or sadness….and what a day that will be. God Bless you all and thankyou for your openness and honesty. Not many people like to talk about such things but at times i feel the need to express and i get the impression that you understand such pain too.!!!keep up the good work!!Rachel marsh.!

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