Are we there yet?

January 25, 2011

We  remember trips where either we as a child or our children ask our parents, “are we there yet?”. Its not the change we have trouble accepting, that happens fast, its the transition, the middle. We are not where we were, we have not arrived where we want to be. Its the “no-mans-land” we struggle to navigate, and that is more often than not the emotional response to change. I notice that what is a 3 part process is some times looked at subconsciously as a two part; seed, time, harvest. When we hear that our brains construct the words to seed-time & harvest. We do not like the middle process, we just want to plant the seed and immediately harvest.

During the course of transitioning the loss of Mike, I have been aware and purposeful with regards to time. Whilst my own pragmatic nature and life around me wants to move fast, I have forced myself  to go slow, reflect and just let the beauty of time do its work. That has not been easy as there is a tendency to not trust time. If I do not see the seed growing I think that I have to help the process, I think I have to help nature! At times, due to the virgin territory of experience and my own perception of time with relation to stages of grief, I was frustrated that my “healing” was not faster, that I had not transitioned a particular stage. What frustrated me even more was to discover that my grief process was not linear but iterative. I thought I was heading backwards!

So we do not sit on our bums! God by His spirit gives us a revelation, a vision, a desire for a future state. We co-operate with Him, talk to others, think it through and sow the seed. There is so much work involved in sowing the seed, deciding on the best environment for the seed to grow, understanding the dynamics of that particular seed, the ground to prepare and that can be a colossal task, or may be its a building to construct to protect the seed from the natural elements and so on. The planting of the seed is actually a small part of the whole.

If I am honest, its not the time between sowing and reaping that I have the greatest problem with, its the work needed to create the perfect environment for the seed to have optimal conditions to grow. I just want to get on and sow!

In the “walk of faith”, can I accept the unseen part of God by His Spirit preparing the ground for the seed to be planted? So after He gives a revelation, can I co-operate in prayer as He does His work in ground preparation, or do I just clumsily bowl in, sow the seed and then wonder why I did not get the desired results or maximum harvest we could have had! In business we call that initial stage, planning. Many times due to insufficient planning the process and end results are far from satisfactory.

The work required to acheive the end results.

Happy Birthday Mike

January 19, 2011

Happy Birthday Mike! Michael George Knight 19.01.91 Born in Watford, England. We miss you buddy. You would have been 20 today, passing on from being a teenager. As is typical of our family, dad is in German, mum in Poland and the girls at home. I know they are coming to visit you and bring a balloon.

Normally when its one of the kids B’days, we thank God for the past year pray for the next. Today I find myself thinking about that day when he was born. I was so proud to have a boy and I crudely joked about his body and how perfect it was! We will Skype the girls in a few minutes and as a family come together and thank God for our son and brother.

We are very grateful that we do not have to say R.I.P. (Rest in Peace). As followers of Jesus, we know with the assurance that God gives us, the Hope that he is today with his Father, whether asleep or alive, I do not know, but certainly under the loving care.

Mike and Dad

The Father’s Love….The Story of a Father Who Lost His Only Son.

January 15, 2011

For some months I have had a desire to produce a tract that I can give to people I meet that tells a little of my story with regards to Mike, and not only gets them to think about death and the afterlife but points them to The Father.

I’m excited that this has now been designed and we are at the stage of going to the printer. the Father’s Love tract (Adobe reader needed to open)

Father's Love Tract

It continues to be an interesting journey in relating to God who lost His Son. The amazing part for me is that I could not choose to sacrifice my son for others. How an earth could I do that? For me to give my life for others is one thing, but to give my son’s life………nothing short of amazing.

Interview with Kathy’s family caught in the worst hit valley from the floods

January 13, 2011

This interview with Graham is just in. We are grateful that all of Kathy’s family in Toowoomba are fine. To see this interview click here. You have to click on Broadband on the right hand side.

From Paralisis to numbness to feeling coming back.

January 13, 2011

As I stood in the shower, going over the content of  what I would be talking about in a small meeting, it dawned on me that “feeling was starting to come back”. On the 19th of January Mike would turn 20 years old. We have come a long way in these 18 months.

For months we seemed to be totally paralyzed. Unable to think or make decisions. Some days “it was hard to breath”. Humps were now hurdles. Then as we became stronger we were just “numb”. No motivation, no real care for many things, except for others suffering. We began to recognise that our perspective on “doing life”, our values on “doing life”, our reason for “doing life” were brought to the forefront. In some respects I would not say our perspective, values or purpose changed, they just became primary as so much of the secondary had crowded out the primary. 

And now “feeling” is coming back and with that the ability to do things. There is still a long way to go and to be honest there are days where I think “why am I doing this?”. There are other days I get so excited and I notice they are when I have had an awesome conversation or encouraged someone or sowed an “eternal seed”.

As a family a lot of our current “thinking space” has been directed to Queensland, Australia. We spend many hours scanning the web and keeping up with the natural disaster and its effect on human life. We smile that in the face of adversary humor is seen.

Someone prepares Wally Lewis Statue for Floods!

Just under the surface.

January 12, 2011

Laura & Josiah

Over the Christmas period, Laura’s friend Josiah from the USA was here. He stayed with a friend down the road and often they would be here until gone mid-night. One early morning at 3:00am the phone rang and a voice on the other end said “I expected them home at 1am but they are still not here”.  I quickly got up and scanned the house. Both Laura and Akila were asleep. I decided to wake Laura and find out what time they left and whether she knew if they went some where else. She hadn’t a clue.

They next day when Laura was asking the boys what happened she burst into tears. Being waken suddenly like that brought back the whole event of waking to hear me shouting to Kath that Mike had died and to call the ambulance. I felt really bad that I had not thought of the need to reassure her as I woke her.

Laura is so bubbly and out going that often we forget that she too has deep emotions about Mike but does not like to express them publically or talk about his death that much, but like the rest of us, its just bellow the surface.

Happy Bday Laura!

January 8, 2011

My little girl turns 17 today.  The little girl who was named after my grandmother, the little girl always with scruffy hair, the little girl that has had a smile on her face every day as soon as she gets out of bed, the little girl who loves life, the little girl who appears to glide through life……..

We had a little chat recently about certain developments in her life. She was asking my permission for a decision in her life. In many ways I could of just said ‘yes’. Kathy and I talked and then I wanted a bit more time to think through. At 17 I realised this is a time in life where she needs to ‘lay the foundation’, its not time to ‘build the house’. So thats the advice I gave her. 17 is one of those tough times where you are an adult but act like a child or a child that acts like an adult!

Daddy's beautiful little girl.

Both my girls bring me great happiness and I pray that Laura continues to “Seek first the Kingdom of God……and she will fall over her partner, her future etc”. In other words I pray she keeps her eyes up and focused on Jesus. If she does that, she will ‘trip over’ what God has for her. Its not easy. I remember at 17 keeping my eyes on the ground and “seeking my satisfaction first”.

Love you heaps Laura!

Creating new memories, celebrating old ones.

January 6, 2011

Todd has given me a very interesting book for Christmas. In essence it’s about ‘our story’ and the narrative of our story, our lives and whether we are writing a great life story or a boring one .

I want to live life “looking back but living forward”. The past 18 months has had a major emphasis on looking back, looking at the story and with the actor Mike, looking at “our” story, “his” story and “my” story but during that time trying to continue to write an exciting story in the present.

Akila gave me a couple of really awesome presents which celebrated memories of Mike. With family and friends we also created some very unique happy and crazy memories over the Christmas period. So we continue to seek God and with Him, purposefully write the narrative for a great story.

Creating a fun narrative in our lives.

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