Words we said and wish we had not.

December 28, 2010

“Sticks and stones will break your bones but words will never hurt you”. Which twit came up with that rhyme. They obviously lived in a monastery where no one talked! I am amazed at just how powerful the tounge is for encouragement or hurting. I recently witnessed the effects of careless words said by someone in anger and frustration. They did not guard their emotion and let loose some words to this person that cut to the core. Although the relationship was restored, those words may at times ‘rent space’ in the person’s mind. When that happens, a deep hurtful emotion will arise.

I think I have written before about my temper and some of the stupid actions I have done over the years.  fortunately, I never lost my temper with Mike to the point where I behaved or spoke words that today I am sorry about.

Words are very powerful and we can wound someone for life!

Visiting Mike Christmas Day to tell him how much we love him!

What an awesome gift from Akila….

December 26, 2010

Akila is very aware how a picture of an empty bird cage with the door open means so much to me. Its the picture I had in my mind on Mike’s first anniversary this year. Well she saw this cage in Australia and so kindly brought it for me.

He flew away

One of the comforts to us as a family is to know that Mike is free from the ‘cage’. The cage of his body and its limitations and constraints, the cage of this life with its hurts and pains.

The door was opened........

As I sit and ponder, I realise that “I see where I was before blind”. There is an appreciation where before there was …….

My heart is full of gratitude.

December 25, 2010

As we celebrate the birth of Christ, enjoy family festivities, open presents, take time out…….my heart is at peace and full of gratitude. To have Akila and Laura here and to be joined this year with Laura’s friend, Josiah from the USA, is so wonderful. To hear them laughing and playing Yahtzee brings a warm glow. Laura, Josiah and I sat in the spa in the -7 temperature,  snow lying and a fine brandy in the hand and a perfect star light night. What a privileged life we have….I always tell the girls, “Champagne lifestyle on a lemonade budget”!

As I walked around the park, seeing a sight not seen in Carlisle for 110 years, the river totally freezing over, I wished Mike was with me to see this sight. But then a small voice said, “Ditto dad, I wish you were here to see these sights you have never seen”.

River Eden frozen over

Time heals…..if you are alive!

December 22, 2010

I have written before about my thoughts with regards to whether or not time heals. I recently had correspondence from my friend whose son died 8 years ago. He said the following, ” Dont let anyone tell you that time heals the “loss” of  a son. Yes other things get healed by time”. As I have pondered over this I have realised that for something to be healed there has to be life. Death cannot be healed, it is a permanent state.

I think some would say “yes but you are alive”, its you that need healing not Mike. For those of us that have experienced “loss”, we understand my friends comments. God gives grace to keep living and functioning with ‘the emotional limp’.

Looking Behind but Living Forward

The pain you carry but keep quiet.

December 19, 2010

‘Boring’, ‘move on’ ‘not interested’, are some of the thoughts I have when it comes to expressing pain and sadness about Mike, even in my own family. Thats why I like my blog, just to process for myself!

I was tidying a cupboard yesterday and found 4 little lace/material holders my mother had given us for Christmas last year, or so I thought. Kathy has been away for 10 days and gets back tomorrow. The entrance hall, stairs and landing are a bit of a disaster after the water everywhere and I had to remove all the christmas decorations whilst the workman fix it all. Yesterday they finished stripping it all and I thought I would make the area nice plus clean the house.

In my subconscious I thought my mum must have given Kathy, Akila, Laura and I one each of these containers with some Christmas sweets last year. I opened another drawer where we keep the candles and found another one of these by its self. My heart sank with sadness. It told me Mike was not here, it made me realise mum would have given them the year before when Mike was still here. Bottom line, it hurt. Akila was there and I started to tell her and then stopped. I wondered if she really wants to know every little pain I go through with regards to Mike. But she is lovely and pushed me to share. She later cuddled and told me she loves me, how good is that!!!

It made me wonder how many of us do not have an outlet to express our emotional pain, even with love ones around. May be like me, there are people you can share with but like me you are afraid of being rejected and not empathise with. I would never of thought I would write the last couple of lines but as I dig deeper and face emotion head on its rather amazing that I discover my humanity!

Would 10 People Join the Knight Family?

December 18, 2010

We can have a dramatic life changing impact on a family for GBP250. EUR 300, USD 400

This is one of those blogs I wonder whether I should write!

There were many areas that impacted me on my recent trip to India. The big banner statement for me was “with a little money so many positive possibilities can be achieved”. For example for GBP30, EUR35 or USD $50 per month we could pay for the food and accommodation of a full time national worker with OM India. That blows my mind. I also saw the impact the purchase of a Buffalo could have on a family in one of the Dalit villages.

Milk sold from the buffalo can feed a family in India

GBP250 is a lot of money on the one hand and its nothing on the other. I just filled the car with fuel and it cost GBP65. Please take a moment to watch this video.

Wouldn’t it be great if 10 families would buy 10 buffalo’s over the coming month. Its a project that as a family we can ask our friends and other family members to help in. We have just had a burst pipe and whilst the insurance will pay for most of the work, there is cost to us. But this can all wait. We can live with it a ‘bit rough’.

Please look at the Just Christmas link. You can pay via PayPal.

Words you don’t want to hear.

December 17, 2010

I was at a meeting in Shropshire last Thursday and the reception on my mobile was intermittent. The receptionist came to me and said “there is a message from your office, please phone home urgently”. Can you imagine how my heart and mind raced. I was thinking something awful had happened to either Akila or Kathy. In those split seconds many scenarios went through my mind. When I heard the words from Akila on the other end of the phone “the fire brigade are here, we have a burst pipe and its like a waterfall through the roof all the way down the stairs”, I thought and said, “Oh is that all!”.

Yes the ceiling has to be replaced, the carpet all ripped up and wall paper replaced but that is so simple, its all just practical. It does not even come close to a disaster, it doesnt effect emotion what so ever. My first thought was I hope the portrait painting of Mike is Okay, the rest is easy.

Burst Pipe in the Loft

My perspective on disaster, pain and suffering are very different today!

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