Words we said and wish we had not.

“Sticks and stones will break your bones but words will never hurt you”. Which twit came up with that rhyme. They obviously lived in a monastery where no one talked! I am amazed at just how powerful the tounge is for encouragement or hurting. I recently witnessed the effects of careless words said by someone in anger and frustration. They did not guard their emotion and let loose some words to this person that cut to the core. Although the relationship was restored, those words may at times ‘rent space’ in the person’s mind. When that happens, a deep hurtful emotion will arise.

I think I have written before about my temper and some of the stupid actions I have done over the years.  fortunately, I never lost my temper with Mike to the point where I behaved or spoke words that today I am sorry about.

Words are very powerful and we can wound someone for life!

Visiting Mike Christmas Day to tell him how much we love him!

What an awesome gift from Akila….

Akila is very aware how a picture of an empty bird cage with the door open means so much to me. Its the picture I had in my mind on Mike’s first anniversary this year. Well she saw this cage in Australia and so kindly brought it for me.

He flew away

One of the comforts to us as a family is to know that Mike is free from the ‘cage’. The cage of his body and its limitations and constraints, the cage of this life with its hurts and pains.

The door was opened........

As I sit and ponder, I realise that “I see where I was before blind”. There is an appreciation where before there was …….

My heart is full of gratitude.

As we celebrate the birth of Christ, enjoy family festivities, open presents, take time out…….my heart is at peace and full of gratitude. To have Akila and Laura here and to be joined this year with Laura’s friend, Josiah from the USA, is so wonderful. To hear them laughing and playing Yahtzee brings a warm glow. Laura, Josiah and I sat in the spa in the -7 temperature,  snow lying and a fine brandy in the hand and a perfect star light night. What a privileged life we have….I always tell the girls, “Champagne lifestyle on a lemonade budget”!

As I walked around the park, seeing a sight not seen in Carlisle for 110 years, the river totally freezing over, I wished Mike was with me to see this sight. But then a small voice said, “Ditto dad, I wish you were here to see these sights you have never seen”.

River Eden frozen over

Time heals…..if you are alive!

I have written before about my thoughts with regards to whether or not time heals. I recently had correspondence from my friend whose son died 8 years ago. He said the following, ” Dont let anyone tell you that time heals the “loss” of  a son. Yes other things get healed by time”. As I have pondered over this I have realised that for something to be healed there has to be life. Death cannot be healed, it is a permanent state.

I think some would say “yes but you are alive”, its you that need healing not Mike. For those of us that have experienced “loss”, we understand my friends comments. God gives grace to keep living and functioning with ‘the emotional limp’.

Looking Behind but Living Forward

The pain you carry but keep quiet.

‘Boring’, ‘move on’ ‘not interested’, are some of the thoughts I have when it comes to expressing pain and sadness about Mike, even in my own family. Thats why I like my blog, just to process for myself!

I was tidying a cupboard yesterday and found 4 little lace/material holders my mother had given us for Christmas last year, or so I thought. Kathy has been away for 10 days and gets back tomorrow. The entrance hall, stairs and landing are a bit of a disaster after the water everywhere and I had to remove all the christmas decorations whilst the workman fix it all. Yesterday they finished stripping it all and I thought I would make the area nice plus clean the house.

In my subconscious I thought my mum must have given Kathy, Akila, Laura and I one each of these containers with some Christmas sweets last year. I opened another drawer where we keep the candles and found another one of these by its self. My heart sank with sadness. It told me Mike was not here, it made me realise mum would have given them the year before when Mike was still here. Bottom line, it hurt. Akila was there and I started to tell her and then stopped. I wondered if she really wants to know every little pain I go through with regards to Mike. But she is lovely and pushed me to share. She later cuddled and told me she loves me, how good is that!!!

It made me wonder how many of us do not have an outlet to express our emotional pain, even with love ones around. May be like me, there are people you can share with but like me you are afraid of being rejected and not empathise with. I would never of thought I would write the last couple of lines but as I dig deeper and face emotion head on its rather amazing that I discover my humanity!

Would 10 People Join the Knight Family?

We can have a dramatic life changing impact on a family for GBP250. EUR 300, USD 400

This is one of those blogs I wonder whether I should write!

There were many areas that impacted me on my recent trip to India. The big banner statement for me was “with a little money so many positive possibilities can be achieved”. For example for GBP30, EUR35 or USD $50 per month we could pay for the food and accommodation of a full time national worker with OM India. That blows my mind. I also saw the impact the purchase of a Buffalo could have on a family in one of the Dalit villages.

Milk sold from the buffalo can feed a family in India

GBP250 is a lot of money on the one hand and its nothing on the other. I just filled the car with fuel and it cost GBP65. Please take a moment to watch this video.

Wouldn’t it be great if 10 families would buy 10 buffalo’s over the coming month. Its a project that as a family we can ask our friends and other family members to help in. We have just had a burst pipe and whilst the insurance will pay for most of the work, there is cost to us. But this can all wait. We can live with it a ‘bit rough’.

Please look at the Just Christmas link. You can pay via PayPal.

Words you don’t want to hear.

I was at a meeting in Shropshire last Thursday and the reception on my mobile was intermittent. The receptionist came to me and said “there is a message from your office, please phone home urgently”. Can you imagine how my heart and mind raced. I was thinking something awful had happened to either Akila or Kathy. In those split seconds many scenarios went through my mind. When I heard the words from Akila on the other end of the phone “the fire brigade are here, we have a burst pipe and its like a waterfall through the roof all the way down the stairs”, I thought and said, “Oh is that all!”.

Yes the ceiling has to be replaced, the carpet all ripped up and wall paper replaced but that is so simple, its all just practical. It does not even come close to a disaster, it doesnt effect emotion what so ever. My first thought was I hope the portrait painting of Mike is Okay, the rest is easy.

Burst Pipe in the Loft

My perspective on disaster, pain and suffering are very different today!

Confronting emotion to be practical

lord of the manor

Mike was like Kathy, he had no access fat on his body and so he would feel the cold. Kath brought him a very nice dressing gown and slippers for Christmas. He would walk around the house over the next months looking like ‘lord of the manor’ and Kath and I would smile.

Many of his clothes went to charity shops and others his sisters wanted to keep. His dressing gown and slippers went into a box to keep.

I am not a big slipper fan but Kath had some cheap ones lying around and with all this snow I had to admit the feet were a tad nippy. As the spa is in the garden, and I usually have the job of taking the lid of etc, it’s rather nippy with all the snow around so the dressing gown Kath brought me some years ago is much appreciated. The slippers were past their end-by date and the dressing gown was in the wash. I had only just been clearing up in the loft and knew exactly were the box was with Mikes clothes. On the one hand I wanted to use them and be practical on the other I was not sure if I wanted to raise emotion to the surface and how would Kathy, Akila and Laura feel, seeing me wear them.

I am wearing them as I type this early morning sitting in his room. Its not easy but I know he would be so happy dad  was wearing his clothes. His clothes are not sacred but the emotion says they are. I am so happy looking at Akila wear one of Mikes sweat shirts. It makes me feel proud that she acknowledges her brother in that simple act. I hope my wearing Mike’s dressing gown and slippers has the same effect on them.

Lifestyle Obedience

A favorite scene from a movie of mine is Al Pacino’s speech in ‘A scent of a Woman”.

In a world that says “I did it my way”, “Stuff them, lets blow it up”, “I am frustrated so lets destroy”, “Who cares if I hurt others, my happiness is important”, “I only have one life, this is too hard, I am choosing an easier path” etc etc

There are days where a ‘lifestyle of obedience” to the teachings of Christ and the Bible are such a pain. My human desire is to feed the flesh appetite, to fulfill the momentary desires. But like Al Pacino, without exception, I know what is the right path to take. The reason for not taking the path is that it is too hard, it requires character and discipline. But that is so short-sighted. I know when I live a ‘lifestyle of obedience” to the principles and teachings of The Father, I will benefit in the short, mid, long and eternal. If I go down one path then there is an ‘opportunity cost’, in that I forego the results of the other path, whether they are good, bad or indifferent.

The uglyness of death

Death is utterly ugly, horrible, dark, disgusting, revolting, nauseating, awful, horrific, shocking…..

I found myself saying a few months ago, death is beautiful, so why an earth would I say that? I find I live in the world of paradox’s.

I did not want to look at Mike, lying there dead. I had done all I was told by the lady on the end of the phone and once the Paramedics came, I left the room. I only went back in when the police arrived and then again briefly before he was taken away. Kathy and Laura were able to sit with him and even stroke his head. I could not look at him, not like that. I actually have a photo of him asleep in the car which is not dissimilar to the look on his face when I found him. I will not delete it but it’s not my favorite to look at any more!

When Akila came back from being overseas and after Mike was released from the Post Morton we went to see Mike at the funeral home, 5 days later. During those 5 days  I had started the process of trying to understand this event with eyes of faith as well as deal with the human tragedy. For a person who has “believed on the name of the LORD Jesus”, death is beautiful. For those who are left behind it is all the words above. But that is not the point I want to make.

I went to funeral home knowing I could look at Mike because of the brilliance of the total complete work of the Cross. When I in my mind’s eye put the cross over death, and it’s not a small cross, it’s a massive all-sufficient one, then I can look at Mike,

⁵⁴ When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.” ⁵⁵ “Where, O death, is your victory?    Where, O death, is your sting?” ^{1 Cor 15 v 55-54}

I can now look at Mike and know that Mike is alive in Christ, so I can look death in the face and see life. So I can live at peace with death if it has been a “buy back” by the Cross of Christ. It’s beautiful to those who are “in Christ” but its horrendous outside of that.  

Now think of all our sin, our attitudes, behaviour etc. Oh my giddy aunt, how horrendous. Just take the average family and think of all the “sins” of our ego centric behaviour and put them on a piece of white paper, add to them the emotions and feelings of the person who was “sinned” against. Now you have a very ugly piece of paper. That is all living in the house with you! But here is the awesome brilliance of the Father’s Love. All that can be covered like the white snow we have at the moment if we surrender and apply in our lives, in our families the all-sufficient work of the Cross. Death looses its sting. God is in the business of “buy back”, “exchanging”, “taking what we broke and He fixes it”.

One further point, you do not leave a dead body in the house! When you have dealt with those “sins” or the emotions and hurt if you were the one sinnned against, then you must bury them. What does that mean on a practical level. Well I believe it means you do what Paul says ” Phil 3:13    ¹³ Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,

New Every Morning are His Mercies