Would You Sponsor Me?

August 8, 2010

Whilst the Logos Hope was in London, we hosted a youth event with several young Christian rap artists including Guvna B  At the end I met a wonderful pastor who over the past 18 months has become a friend to us as a family. Peter and his wife Caris lead The Arc Church in London.

Pastor P

That night I said to both Guvna B and Pastor P that they need to bring this music ministry to the young people in the Caribbean whilst the Logos Hope was there. 6 or 7 of them came to St Lucia but due to Mike’s death I had to cancel.

This church is one of the more exciting I have been connected with. They have already baptized 70 new converts this year. We as a family felt so loved and welcomed by the whole congregation when we shared early this year. They have an outward focus not just for the UK but the nations. 27 of them are going on a mission trip with OM to India to work with the Dalit Freedom Network   We as a family have been sponsoring 2 children for the past few years in the Education Centers.

Kathy and I have decided to cycle 135 miles from Coast to Coast across England and raise money so I can also join this mission trip. We will be starting out this Saturday .

The Tough Bit!

Would you consider sponsoring me? I am looking for 100 people to sponsor either GBP10, USD10, EUR10 or AUD10, more is always welcome. Please send your sponsorship to your OM office made out to Operation Mobilization and marked Mark

 please email your response to mark.knight@gbaships.org

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What holds us back?

August 7, 2010

Confession to God is easy, confession to man is hard, if you disagree with me, then try it! Its the brothers of sin which are the killer, guilt and shame. Who we are in private and who we are in public is a big topic. The more I walk the christian journey the more I realise how ego centric I am. When I get caught up in guilt and shame, I am actually nullifying the work of the cross. Jesus took it all. If I was more theo-centric then I would not let condemnation rule the day and the brothers would not get too much attention.

Part of the issue I suspect is our fear of others reactions and lets be honest, some would want to sling us out of the ‘house’. I think its awesome that God puts such a big emphasis on the heart and motives, he sees what others dont.

So chaps, lets not be held back. Lets accept our humanity, but lets accept even more the total work of the cross. That to me just means little chats and thoughts along the way of my day to tell God what he already knows but to apologise and thank him for his love, acceptance and redemptive work of Jesus.


The Process, The Person and The Place

August 6, 2010

Carlisle Summer Night

I have been wondering how to summarize where we are at these days, at least where I am at. I dont mean the micro picture, I have explained the emotion surrounding this weekend, I mean the macro one.

One way to do that is to look at the Process, Person and Place. The train of time has brought distance to where I was 1 year ago. I am at a new place. I am no longer mourning Mike, there isnt a day goes by that I dont think of him, but its so less intense. Its more with joy than sadness, its more as a thought than an emotion. Its often a fact not a feeling. I explained to my friend who lost his wife to cancer earlier in the year, that the train of time takes you away from the grief, but you want to reach back and hold on because the grief keeps you close to the one you lost, but you have to let go.

The process needs many words to explain but a storm hit that you were not prepared for. Mike didnt die, i.e. he wasnt sick and we had time to prepare, he wasnt killed in an accident, thus giving us a logical rational for his death, no, Mike simply did not wake up. The process of accepting and understanding that, especially when many want a box to put the situation in, left us feeling  isolated, battered, thankful, hurt, questioning, weeping, grateful, reviewing, analysing.

This has left me, the person, disoriented, un motivated,  lost, confused. But then I have to thank my friends Dave and Linda who walked their painful journey as they articulated what I couldnt at the time, there are two stories, The Human one and The Faith one. You cannot have one without the other. I wish I knew if our experience was a principle, so that I could share it with others. Kathy and I had a choice to make when we found Mike dead. That choice was in our response to God. What we have found in our Faith experience is that God gave us the Oil of Joy and with that the Garment of Praise, they seemed to widen our hearts and cause us to be thankful towards God. Please dont spiritualise that too much, because there is also the human story and there were days when people asked “how are you” and my response was more “which f word do you want”! But I can honestly say that the grace of God has been sufficient and every day I have been able to worship and praise God.

So there is a great sense that we are doing better in ourselves, we are in no-mans-land in terms of our work. We are still with OM, thats not what I mean. I just dont get the same buzz at all in working within the area of Organisational Behaviour or the mechanics of making the machine work. Much seems so trivia, we seem to be so petty, we seem so dogmatic in our approach. Relationships are what bring me the greatest joy. To walk with each other, for longer or shorter periods, in the good and the bad is such a privilege.


I’m Ok, we are Ok

August 4, 2010

Yes it was a very intense weekend and I did crash on Monday. You are all wonderful and the love you showered on us was so awesome. BUT yes this the part that is the vulnerable bitter sweat part, at times it was overwhelming. One of the reasons for me writing this blog is to help others understand the process of grief. I dont have answers and I would not wish it any other way, but the emotional intensity of emails, txt, phone calls, door bells etc when in total they reach several hundred over two days is very intense. At first I respond but then they come at such a rate I can not hold back the tide. My personality wants to respond to all but each reply uses a little of the energy tank.

We love you all our and are so grateful for your love and encouragement. We see your pain and recognise that many of you are/have walking a very difficult path. I dont have answers, I wish I did. All I know is that God responds to us as we respond to him. I like the picture of the prodigal son and the father. As the son moves towards the father, the father, who has been longing to move towards the son, is able to move.

Many of us simply need to chat to our father and say stuff others or what has happened to me, I am going to go for a walk and chat to the Father.


Thankyou

August 2, 2010

Wow, what a weekend. A mega big thank-you to God and you lot! We have been lavished with love and kindness. We have received so many emails, Facebook, txt, phone calls, gift hamper. And guess what? Not a single cake! Its a great privilege for me to share my/our journey with you  all. A couple of years ago during a leadership retreat, God very powerfully showed me some truths about myself, which lead me to break down in deep crying. A very weird and vulnerable situation. In those seconds, God took my well honed life mission statement, tore it up and gave me a new one “Mark, your job is to lead people to see the Glory of God through digging ditches”. I have wondered and shouted at God that He did not tell me one of those ditches would be my sons grave. BUT again this weekend, through the story I have shared on my blog, we have all seen the Glory of God in his love and detail. The theme being “God has set us free to fly”. That cage, what ever that is, He is there to open the door and release us. I know that sounds so nice and story bookish but its reality!

Love you all and pray that you too may know the reality of the fathers love whether that be in the sunshine, rain or storm.

Remembering He Flew Away

 

Remember former days!

 

Remembering where Mike worked

 

Food is a very vital part to rememberance!

 

We missed Laura in Germany but found her in Keswick!

 

What can I say!


God is alive and well and communicating to us!

August 1, 2010

When I lay in bed on Friday evening, my heart was so heavy with knots in my stomach. The count down had already begun and my previous feeling that Saturday would be no different to another day was very misplaced.

My phone buzzed at 10:00pm and it was a txt from Jon. He is visiting from Australia and we have been getting up and playing golf at 6:ooam many mornings.  I didnt know what to do. A part of me wanted to be around the house in the morning and mark the hour in some way, but then I did not know what I would do to mark the hour. It was more an emotion than a plan. So I said yes. As we were playing he told me of a success a company had had he is on the board of and he had gone out and brought a bottle of champagne. I also shared with him what a special morning this was for me and was in fact one year ago Mike died. I explained a lot of what I wrote on yesterdays blog. Our tradition has been to have a cooked breakfast after golf. Jon invited me back and we enjoyed a champagne breakfast at exactly the time the storm hit last year. As we toasted Jon said “to freedom”. 

“To Freedom”!

 I think you have all worked out by now that I like to enjoy life and so this could not be a more perfect way to remember that moment I walked into Mike’s room.  God and Jon were so kind. I could have txt him back and said no to golf, but I would of so missed out.

 
When I got home I shared with Kathy my morning and my thoughts about Mike “flying away”. I said to her “its like the owner coming and letting the little bird out of the cage”.
 
I decided to have a lie down for an hour. Our neighbours had brought a card during that time which Kathy had looked at. I woke and sat on the couch talking to Akila and sharing with her my thoughts for the day. I explained how we could view Mikes death in two ways, one as a loss to us and focus on his physical death, or to think about him being released from a cage like a little bird to fly away.
As I stopped kathy put the card in my hand that had arrived.
How bizzare is that! Wow talk about getting emotional. 

He flew away!

Here is a picture of exactly what I had seen in my mind that morning, shared on my blog, shared with my family and now I receive a card with the bird out of the cage.

 
When Jon spontaneously toasted “to freedom”, it was not the Mel Gibson freedom he portrait in Brave Heart. Its not the freedom from the English to the Scots. Its a freedom that you and I can have that is so mega life changing and so liberating.
 
This little story is so wonderful and shows again God’s love and mercy to us as a family. I am also convinced that he is, he does and he will do this for others. When we walk with him, and trust me, my walk is not pretty many times! he is soooo longing to communicate with us. This is another little “breadcrumb” he has given to help us through this journey.

 


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