May 10, 2010
After months of no travel, It’s all come at once. After getting off one plane from Germany, I got on another one for Belfast and today I get onto another one for Logos Hope.
In Belfast I was speaking at a men’s breakfast and then an evening meeting. You only have 20-25 minutes and you want to use the time very wisely. It’s such a privilege to be asked to speak and even more for people to give up other options to come and listen. Any communication these days is through the grid of Mike’s story. At this time, I am unable to communicate without weaving Mike’s story into the message.
As I was sharing Mike’s story, of a 17-year-old introvert, who went to Logos II for 6 months for its last tour of duty in the Caribbean, as I shared an email about a meeting in a prison he went to, as I shared about his impact on others as he worked in the kitchen at McDonalds……….I yet again realised that frail people in the hands of a big God who do not have ability but availability, who do not speak, they just shine, they are not using big bold fonts in their lives, they just live a life quietly but their life is an awesome letter, these people are often looked over by man but not God. David, Gideon, Joseph and the list goes on. For 18months, 17-18 1/2 Mike was used by his Father.
I came home yesterday morning and found myself crying many times throughout the day, by 7:30pm I just went to bed. I was not tired. I realised that I had run my emotional tank dry by publically sharing about my buddy. I love him loads and miss him heaps. Im so proud to tell the story!
May 5, 2010
So I came out of the safety of my hole. Although I have been asked to come out previously I refused, or find excuses that are acceptable. What are my feelings now I am out? (I’m in Germany at my works HQ)
- “Lets be honest, we hardly know each other, so why do you ask such an intimate question about how I am doing with regard to the loss of Mike?”
- I thought I would hold back with engagement in some areas but I find its safe to engage.
- Small groups are OKAY, I can handle that.
- I recognise I am genuinely interested in others story. (Thats a positive in the grief process)
- I have no patience for what I perceive as petty nonsense but to others are major issues.
- I miss Kathy, Akila and Laura and our world of life at 50 Brampton Rd, where I dont have to explain, they know what I mean.
- I do not want to talk, but I want to also say thankyou for your genuine care, I dont know how to do that.
- Life is so much deeper than the shallowness we project.
- We say 10 words, but the emotion is really 10 million words, others pick up on the 1o words and respond and dont take the time to seek to understand the 10 words that would open the door to the 10 million words. Do I let the 10 words pass and go to bed or do I come back and encourage the person that enables them to release the 10 million words.
- I see the friendship and protection (of me) behind the words you say in public, thank-you.
- I am so weak in seeking to understand.
May 4, 2010
A couple of days ago Akila wanted to visit Mike at the grave side. The grave diggers must know after all these years that the earth does all settle back down to the original hight, the grass re-grows and you can no longer make out the shape of a coffin.
There are no rules, but none of us walk on the grass. That is holy. I get very offended if I see someone walk on the grass. Why? I want to stand there and salute Mike. I’ve never done it but that’s the emotion. Respect, dignity, sacred ground. We stand in silence, each caught up in their thoughts, quietly telling Mike the heart of our soul.
I begin to understand the director of the movie’s who makes the ancient burial site a place to be honored or scared of.