What do I expect when I come off the mountain? A valley or lush woodlands? In fact I came onto an arid desolate plane, with no apparent landmarks. I am empty, empty of desire, empty of words, empty of energy. On February 1st it will be 6 months since Mike died. I feel like every part of my body, has been focused on survival to get through the grief. Whether right or not I feel I am through the mourning of Mike, but now my emotion and mind are shutting down, they are empty. Every day I am happy that I get out of bed, go to the office, come home, go to bed and know I made it through another day.
Any initiative, whether it’s a phone call, putting in the loft the Christmas decorations or clearing away the branches I pruned in the garden, is a massive mountain. That in itself depresses and annoys me. Even writing my blog has become a challenge.
Kathy, Akila and I sat talking for 4 hours yesterday evening. We listened again to Akila’s side of the story, when the news was broke to her on the ship in the Caribbean. Her struggle to continue with Uni studies, when she too just wants to curl up in a ball and stop life. Kathy is in the same situation as me, simple tasks at work are mountains.
Our struggle is not in the physical environment but the mental and emotional. We know this will pass, we know that spring will come, that we will be able to embrace “new” again. As Christians we walk by faith, even when we do not see, feel, or sense God’s presence. Some days its simply crying out “Jesus, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner”.

Frozen Carlisle
Like this:
Like Loading...