October 30, 2009
How amazing that through grief, sorrow and pain God is leading and showing me the “treasures of darkness” and the “riches stored in secret places”. Hidden and undiscovered before Mike’s death, that I may know more intimately and draw more closely to our Father who calls us by name.
Isaiah 45:3 (New International Version)
3 I will give you the treasures of darkness,
riches stored in secret places,
so that you may know that I am the LORD,
the God of Israel, who summons you by name.
He is saying to me as he did his disciples
John 16:12 (King James Version)
12I have yet many things to say unto you, but ye cannot bear them now.
As a family we can say we have found His Presence, Grace and Glory in that “darkness” & “secret places”…..and how do I write that in English! Well there are times I am so overwhelmed with his love and grace I simply cry. There is a peace in our hearts, a lack of turmoil. His Sovereignty and attention to detail are mind blowing. His ways are perfection, timed to eternal precision. His Glory is all around us and nature reveals that magnificence.
October 29, 2009
Yesterday was not a good day. I had a few jobs to do to finish off Mike’s room. Going through tubs of papers, files, sympathy cards etc brought to the surface a lot of emotion. I found myself treating papers like they were sacred and holy. Feeling very protective even over a copy of Mike’s funeral service sheet. By mid-morning I just had to have a little cry.
Kathy phoned the police to see when they could return Mike’s possessions. The lady said that under the Data Protection Act she could not reveal that! Do you really think that is a helpful comment to the mother of a deceased 18-year-old! So lots of emotion after that call. Then Kathy is struggling with Laura and I still calling it “Mike’s Room”. She was hoping that after we decorated we would call it something else.
The Tomb Stone is still not up and is dragging on.
I walked into Laura’s room at 6:00 am today to find the light on and her lying there having had a bad dream.
October 28, 2009
Well being back at work and re-engaging with “normal” & “routine” is an interesting experience. When Tom Hanks returns to civilisation in the movie Castaway, after being alone on a desert island for 4 years, he initially struggles with the “normality” and “ordinary” of everyday life of those around him. He looks at life through very different lenses and interacts with others in a very different way to pre plane crash. There is a part of me that wants to be back on the “island”. But that is not reality and does not contribute to community. So the challenge is to carve out space in the 24 hours and find that time of solace and solitude to find perspective.
David writes my story in Psalm 23
1-3 God, my shepherd! I don’t need a thing.
You have bedded me down in lush meadows,
you find me quiet pools to drink from.
True to your word,
you let me catch my breath
and send me in the right direction.
4 Even when the way goes through
I’m not afraid
when you walk at my side.
Your trusty shepherd’s crook
makes me feel secure.
5 You serve me a six-course dinner
right in front of my enemies.
You revive my drooping head;
my cup brims with blessing.
6 Your beauty and love chase after me
every day of my life.
I’m back home in the house of God
for the rest of my life.
October 27, 2009
A family friend who has worked in the music business as a singer, song writer and producer has kindly donated a Gibson Les Paul Classic Electric Guitar to raise funds for Mike’s Trust Fund. This is such a great encouragement to us as a family as we are working to get the fund in place via OM so as we can maximise the tax benefits in various countries. We hope in the next couple of weeks to announce the fund and a web site giving more information. If you know of any one who may be interested in purchasing the guitar so the funds can go to the trust then please let them and me know. We will be hoping for a price of around EURO 1500, GBP1500, USD2250, but if someone wants to give more then we are happy!
October 25, 2009
Mike Knight Death Certificate When the Coroner phoned a couple of weeks ago, he explained that his inquest is public. I had not paid much attention to the work of a Coroner. We discovered that his report will be in public. My immediate reaction was, “if your talking in public about my buddy then I want to be there”. He understood this and is trying to arrange a date that is convenient to us as a family. We have informed him of the test results on our hearts. The verdict between the Pathologist and the Coroner is “Unascertained”. Paul wrote in 2 Cor 12
1I must go on boasting. Although there is nothing to be gained, I will go on to visions and revelations from the Lord. 2I know a man in Christ who fourteen years ago was caught up to the third heaven. Whether it was in the body or out of the body I do not know—God knows. 3And I know that this man—whether in the body or apart from the body I do not know, but God knows— 4was caught up to paradise. He heard inexpressible things, things that man is not permitted to tell.
I will continue to boast in God, that on August the 1st, my buddy and God had an appointment. Whether his spirit left the body and the power went out, or whether the power shut down and the spirit left, I dont know, God does. Why God took him, I dont know, He does. My buddy was caught up to Paradise. What he heard and saw I dont know, but God does.
Love you big Mike and are proud to be your Dad.
October 24, 2009
When my dad died there was really only one item I wanted and that was his Bible. This was the same with Mike. I have fond memories of him getting out of the car on a Wednesday evening and walking down a small alley towards his church for Bible Study. He kept all his items in a Jean Bible case we have made in the Philippines for the ships. Well we could not find it in his room. We thought he must have given it away as we did find a newer youth Bible. Laura came home this week and said “hey dad, guess what? Isiah found Mike’s Bible at church”. So it was with great delight that I opened the case and looked at the treasures within!
I found this printed paper with Psalm 61: 1-5 in there. Not sure where it came from or how long its been there. Wonder if he prayed through it “I long to dwell in your tent forever”!
October 23, 2009
At the end of the day I am so happy. In fact I said to Kathy I have not felt this emotion for 3 months. It’s happy and contentment. I am thrilled with how Mike’s room has turned out and get great pleasure from being in there. Although one or two items would not have been in his selection, I am sure he would have enjoyed coming home from Coventry to his room.
It’s so good to feel this way but here is the truth. As I write I want to cry! (It’s a couple of hours since talking to Kath), sitting here so lonely for Mike and listening to Phil Collins doesnt help!
Kathy and I are doing well and are ready to go back to work full-time. We will not be back emotionally but physically. I realise we will “walk with a limp” for the rest of our lives.
October 22, 2009
The post mortem did not reveal any reasons why Mike died. In case we had a genetic undiagnosed problem with our hearts, we had been advised by the medical profession to have some tests.
Kathy, Laura and I went today and had both an ECG and Ultrasound. Technology is so wonderful these days that allows them to check the “pump”, how thick the walls are, even listen to the sound of the blood going in and out.
We are pleased to hear that all of us have a healthy heart. Kathy and I will have a further test in December where they inject some drug into the system and check the electrics. Akila will also at that time have the same tests as we all received today.
Someone said “Laura’s face cannot contain all her smile”! Well look at her heart here. A happy heart makes a happy smile!
October 21, 2009
Amazing what we sub-consciously muse over. I was vacuuming the stair’s yesterday and remembered the hours after Kathy phoned 999.
That week I had hired a carpet cleaner and cleaned every part of the house. How nice it was to see stains from Mike’s shoes especially disappear. His feet would never had a chance to get wet in rain. Those shoes had more McDonald’s fat on them than the chips he cooked! You can imagine how thoughtful he was in making sure he took them off before going up stairs, yea right!
I watched this large Policeman come through the front door as I am sitting in the lounge and notice his large shoes. I thought ” oye, get them off, I just cleaned”. That morning I watched 12 different people walk all over my nice clean carpet.
Akila is soooo gorgeous, Fitzy she is a 10 cow woman!
October 20, 2009
I have experienced the following as a result of Mike’s death;
- Presenceof God in a new way. I ask Kathy, “who shifted, God or us”. In other words, is God showing more of Himself to us or has He always done that and we are just seeing in a clearer way because of where we are at in life. Either way, His Presence is so wonderful. I “sence” His presence and am scared of going back to “normal” and loosing that.
- Power of God in relation to his Love, Grace and Mercy. Several times recently I have chatted with God that His presence is not sufficient! My giddy aunt, who do I think I am! I have wanted to see His power. What did I think that looked like? Was is signs and wonders? To see the fruit of Grace and Mercy in our lives is to see the power of God. A demonstration of His Grace is more powerful than a demonstration of His healing power.
- A revelation of a Kingdom Perspective. Paul says in 2 Cor 4 v 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. Hello, how do you fix your eyes on what is not seen! I think Paul over enjoyed a rather large glass of Cabernet Sauvignon! Paul says in v 6 For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,”made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. Smith Wigglesworth said ” I understand God by his word. I cannot understand God by impressions or feelings. I cannot get to know God by sentiment. I can only know Him by His Word”.
- Priorities, what is core and what is peripheral, what is primary and what is secondary? Mike’s death has challenged me to the very core of my value system. Every value I hold dear I have had challenged. What I have seen is that “life activities”, like a creeping plant, can overtake and we lose sight of what is important to us. Mike’s “last words” to me were “Dad you only live once”. So am I doing what I value in every area of my life?
Now the other side, well just read some of my previous postings, its not all victorious on the journey!
Now is my Laura stunning or what!