I found myself having to leave a room fairly quickly today as my stomach was getting tighter and tighter. We were supposed to meet from 9-11 but by 9:10 I felt like I was drowning, my head was spinning and I needed to get away to my office and just be by myself. In the end Kathy and I came home and went for a walk. I find it very helpful to walk and talk. This was one of my fears about returning to work. Whilst I am in the process of re-entry I wonder if I am neither in space or the earth but between. Last week I realised from one day to the next, the knot in my stomach had gone. I realise now that I cannot just rush back. I seem to get over one hurdle only to discover another one.
Mike, I put on a movie, RV with Robbie Williams and looked over at the couch and you were not there laughing. When that was finished mum went up but it was still a bit early so I put on Mr Bean. You were not here to laugh with me. I remember all the times you would lie on the couch and laugh. Our humor was very similar. The girls dont get it! Its at times like this when I miss you.
Mike I miss you heaps. My mind has returned to normality. I was angry this morning that I took to work a picture I have made of the 4 of us. You are not in it. I dont want to accept that. Im not angry at you.
Akila is home in a couple of days. We will help her sort through many of her boxes for Uni, I am also hoping we can sort through your possessions. We can also decide on paint for your room. We decided to call it the “Pool room” after the movie “The Castle” but I notice we all call it Mikes Room!
Often wonder Mike if you are asleep in Christ, dancing, with the Cloud of Witnesses or what. Love you, Dad.
My friend mentioned the topic of lessons learnt through all this. There are probably many but I think they key ones are
•Cease the moment
•Create the moment
•Cherish the moment
•Don’t take the moment for granted
- God is the God of the moment as well as the galaxy
These are all relating to people not task! I am thankful for the many moments I had with Mike
1988 we went from 2 (Kathy and I) to 3. I loved Akila so much I was concerned that my heart did not have the capacity to love number 2 child. Well out popped Mike in 1991 and I found the heart was fine! Then in 1994, little Laura came along. Friends had warned us that going from 2 kids to 3 was likely to have a noticable effect on the family dynamics. Actually, that was not the case. It was more like, we are doing this anyway and one more is no problem. 4 or 5 no worries, a bit more space needed in the car, another place at the table, hand me down cloths, no worries.
But boy is it a shock to go from 5 to 4. Wow its as though the whole family has fallen apart. Of course Akila is not in the house and so its just Kathy, Laura and I, but the psychological effect is very profound. We notice it in the food budget, the time allocation, the space in the house, our schedules, our energy, thinking through our future, it all seems so less complicated. Oh how I wish for that complication back again! I wonder if they can reverse the snip? Would Kathy like another baby!!!!!!
I’m moving on, not sure I want to say Bye. There was comfort in that place. I dont have all the emotion to get that daily fix. The Kaleidoscope of vivid multi thoughts has gone blank. The clarity that came from all that adrenaline pumping has stopped. I find I am allowing other topics to rent space in my mind. Some are the very topics I dont want to discuss. I have moved on. They have nothing to do with Mike or issues surrounding his death. Its almost like I have been in space and I am in the re-entry stage and the laws of the earths enviroment are now in effect. So am I the same? Have I been through all this only to come out the other end a person who had a family of 5 and now its 4? I would hope that is not the limit. And there lies the problem, EGO. Why is it that when we have nothing to think about we normally find ourselves thinking about ourselves! Paul says
8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things
Logos in Beagle Canal.
Well praise God, so far none of my family are ship wrecked though this experience. We dont take that for granted and continue to live at the foot of the cross. There were days Kathy and I thought we would decend into darkness and not come out. So why do I not want to say bye and move on! Wow the complexity of the human mind.
In the last days I have felt overwhelmed by emotion, especially when it comes to work. I have relished the thought of working with a friend who has a tree lopping business. No people issues, not unless the tree falls on someones property! I have been unable to open emails or have any motivation to even think about work related issues. During the initial days after Mike died, Kathy and I did not feel peoples prayers, we experienced the results. I have found much comfort in the Psalms in recent weeks. David was certainly not afraid to tell God how he should behave! God was not upset at David for talking to Him like that. My stomach has had an emotional knot in it.
This morning I have woken and been able to look at emails and even answer some! Wimp, I feel myself say but I have to admit I have a new appreciation for those who suffer from M.E. THE KNOT IS GONE! The human is a complex being and I am aware that I have little control over the chemical balance that keeps me sane. I realise this is one day and tomorrow may be a low but its certainly good to be in the sunshine of life.
The darkness has lifted, I cannot explain,
One day its there, and causes me pain.
The next its gone and I find I can go on.
Its grey outside and offers no hope,
But my heart is light and I have my sight.
Its early days, so I must walk,
my tendency is to run and sqwark.
God is good and to Him I thank,
He heard my cry when I thought I sank.
To friends around who showed much care,
Thank you for being there.
Kath and I are so grateful that we do not have any baggage around Mike’s death, i.e. it wasnt that she or I were doing anything that either directly or indirectly casued his death. So there is no blame. We are also grateful that we both have the same approach to our Christian faith and do not have one of us wanting to thow in the towel and the other seeing God’s hand in this. Kathy has been a source of strength and wisdom to me at this time. She has the ability to listen to all my ramblings as I process thoughts. Her solid understanding of the Bible has been an even keel to me. Her primary mode of operation is more spiritual and mine more carnal, I mean practical! During this time I have had a couple of very melancholy moments. Both times she has taken me out on walks and helped me get my head above water. Its very easy for me after 23 years of marriage to take her for granted. I punched her on the arm yesterday saying “my mate”. I know, you women would of advised a loving arm around and a “I love you”.! I am aware that times like this can lead to separation so I am very grateful that the opposite is true up till now and we pray that continues to be the case. So I have decided not to trade her in for a younger model at this time but I have suggested a few repairs and touch ups!!!!!