Kathy. Laura and I have been home 1 hour and it feels weird. We are taking down all the gazillion sympathy cards and unpacking. Both Kath and I would prefer to pack all of Mikes belonging up and move on, but we are determined to make sure in everything we do we include Akila and Laura. Akila is back on the ship for 1 month and then only home for 4 days before starting Uni. The house feels depressing and my initial emotion is I would like to move. There is so much of Mike here and it makes me miss him so much just walking back in. Whiskey, the cat, which was as a kitten Mikes, until Laura kidnapped her, has been in the house the last 24 hrs and left her pooh around, oh joy! Maybe that adds to the unpleasantness! One little tradition we started soon after Mike left us was to have his IPOD playing in his room. We were so used to noise coming out of there when he was here. Just looking at his photo makes it all feel so surreal again.
My friend lost his daughter in a drowning accident and I like the way he said “I have 4 daughters, 3 with me and one has gone on ahead”. When I heard him say that in public this year, sub consciously I thought if I was ever in that position I wonder what I would say and whether I would use his line. He phoned me shortly after Mike left us and I asked him about that statement. He said that dependent on the context and time available he had a couple of responses.
I have been thinking about this but not really come to a formulate agreement with myself. Then Kathy, the girls and I were in an art shop and in the discussion with the shop assistant; she asked if I had a son.
The lady asks do I have a son, Oh know its already begun. All confused what do I say, Do I lie to avoid the pain. What happens if I have to explain? My son has left and gone ahead, Or is it easier to just say “he is dead”? The words I hear in my head, Is I have 2 girls here and a boy that’s gone ahead.
When we arrived in Ocean City, Hurricane Bill was present. Although the eye of the storm was 350 miles out to see, the impact on this small New Jersey sea resort was profound. The mist and smell were annoying; the 2008 US$10 million sand project was all being washed out to sea. 3 days later, the scene had totally changed and we were enjoying blue skies. 90 degree temperatures and Atlantic City looked so close that you could walk there in 20 minutes.
After the storm
The storm has gone and now I can see,
The deep red sun rise out of the sea,
Porpoise slowly make their way,
Finding their food for another day.
Running and bikes along the deck,
Guys in the water catching the waves,
Donuts and Coffee queues at the stand.
And so LORD I know the storm is gone
And now life must go on,
Kids to feed, jobs to do,
Clearing up after the storm,
The landscape has changed
And never the same,
But Beautiful memories will remain.
If you go to http://www.youtube.com/1901mike or http://www.freewebs.com/guitarst4christ/index.htm you will see that Mikes favorite band is Kutless. We are here in Ocean City, New Jersey for a week. On the 25th we were cycling along the Broadwalk with Todd & Karen when we saw a sign for a Kutless concert that night on the pier. We talked to the lady at the box office and she said this is the first Christian concert being held there and its for one night only! Is God in the detail or what? We told her our story and she was in tears. We had with us Mike’s Celebration Service leaflet and a further news letter Kathy had send to our neighbours about Mike’s death and life. When we got to the hall there was only about 250 tickets sold and Todd tried to get back stage and meet these guys. When he did they arleady knew all about the Knight family and Mike’s story! What awsome guys. They are the real deal and want to meet up and share more about our lives and Mike. What does all this mean to us? Well how come we fly all this way and run into a little sea side town and the first Christian group happens to be the group that influenced Mike into Christian Rock and Worship? How come its such a small sell out that they have time for us both before and after. (The girls have loads of photos of them as the new groupies!) I just find this God of the Galaxy so personal that we are experiencing Him in the God of the Momement, God of the Detail.
How come I was with God in Carlisle, get on a plane and fly to the USA and guess what, HE IS HERE!!!! I cannot escape His love, not that I want to. On Sunday, my birthday, Kathy and I were walking early morning along the Broadwalk here at Ocean City, New Jersey. Its a popular holiday destination for families with lots of the usual entertainment one would expect for this type of venue. I could not believe what I was hearing. A song Mike made a video of himself called “I am Free”. I have never heard it sung before and here was an informal Worship service being held for tourist. A girl with her guitar was singing Mike’s song! I heard the LORD wisper “happy B’day from Mike”! How cool is that. I am finding this God coincedence stuff rather amazing. We are here because our friends Todd and Karen booked a holiday house several months ago, for a time away with a bunch of people. All the others found their schedules over extended and dropped out. With a little aprehension they invited us. What a God thing it has been thus far for all of us. More than just time out. They too have experienced loss and are working though issues that we find very helpful to talk.
Im not where I was and Im not where I want to be and I dont know where I am going! I didnt choose to transition,
This is what my sister in law wrote;
You say Hi with Pain, You say Bye with Pain. I watched Kathy in agony give berth to Mike and wondered then how bizzare that a woman has to go through pain to bring life into the world. I watched Kathy sit and stoke Mikes eye brows and say goodbye with so much love and pain. Just like she and Mike had quiet moments when he came into the world, now she sat, just the two of them as he had left the world. Kathy would say often “im so very very proud of you Mike”. She loved looking at this big handsome fellow growing into a man. One of her favorite recent photo’s was of his back.
Kathy knew Mike 9 months longer than I did. There are few words coming out her mouth, but I see the pain daily in her face at the loss of her dear boy whom she was so very very proud.
My son has died, the door bell rings
In she walks with cake.
An hour goes by, the door bell rings,
She wont come in, just give them cake.
On and on it goes.
My fridge is full, so now lets freeze,
My son is dead, do they think cake will please?
I do not understand, I cant comprehend,
All this cake, when will it end?
But now I see, the motherly love
Not in their eyes but in their deeds.
My brother-in-law had some wise words, “don’t allow them to rent space in your mind”. Another friend who tragically lost a daughter, warned me that people will say some strange things. Im discovering recesses of my soul I have not explored, they are dark and melancholy. What is strange is the separation between the spiritual and the emotional. Have I been too shallow until now? Is this a new awareness? Have I compartmentalized? How can I balance the tension of dark and light, joy and sadness and still function? So who do I allow to rent the space in my mind? Peoples voices? Gods Word? Songs? My own thoughts? Mmmm I think I like the shallowness of my mind prior to Mikeys death!
He wasn’t killed – a tragedy
He didn’t die – sickness
He simply disappeared into the sky – Enoch walked with God, and was none
Did he have a choice, my daughter asked? One mans prophetic words made me think him a bit of an ass.
Many questions we do not know, speculation begins to grow.
What is important for this I know, to stand on the WORD on which Im sure.